Tuesday, November 08, 2011

The windows are open today. Its humid because it rained off and on for most of the morning. Uncommon for our dry home. but the temperature is perfect. I like the over cast. Its something diffrent, makes me think of fall. Maddox & Britton are playing with playdoh on cheap laminated placemats. Cutting the playdoh with plastic knives & cookie cutters. Maddox just made a snake & Britton a cookie. Tre is doing his chores before dinner. He is a big helper, & I am grateful for that little boy. Presley is playing with empty playdoh containers in her high chair, not making a sound. Its one of those rare occasions that all 4 are happy. No tears.

Maddox is in therapy now. progress is slow. but it is still progress. I am grateful for that. & for the love Madds has for his therapist. Miss. F. He adores her. He wakes at night asking for her. She always greets him by getting down to his level & offering her hand. I watch them walk down the hall hand in hand, him trying to gab at Miss. F. about his latest love--which for the past 4 weeks has been "blue bikes." & "blue bubbles."

I cry.
a lot.

I want him to be happy like Tre is happy. like Britton is happy. like Presley is happy. I dont want him to cry & scream. I dont want him to be trapped in a box. Its that box that has kept me from meeting Maddox. I feel like I have yet to meet his little spirit. Sometimes when its just he & I, I get a glimspe. Sometimes while he sleeps in the back seat of the car Ill look back at his still face, & Ill see a glimpse of him.

This is my lifes greatest challenge. It feels too hard to carry often. But now & again I feel a confirmation that I was hand picked to be this little boys mother & more then a test, its a blessing. What an honor it is to help this little guy find his voice & his happiness. What an honor it is to be learning what I have & will learn from our boy. It requires endurance. It rquires adjusting plans, & life maps (like having 5 babes.) ...but I love him. I can do hard things for him. I want to.

& now the playdoh which was once 4 diffrent colors, but is now a deep swampy green has lost its appeal. Motherhood calls.



Ava said...

This is such a heart tugging post. I have tears in my eyes. The sappy music made it happen even more (I love that sappy music.) I don't know what you're going through with Maddox, other than what I read in your posts. But you are such a wonderful mother. I can tell that without ever having seen it in the first person. And if anyone is fit for the job, it's you. I love how you worded it, "I can do hard things for him". That's every mothers job for their children. And seeing the loving home you have for your children, no one does that job better than you. :)

Kim-the-girl said...

I'm just echoing the above, but you are such an amazing woman and mother. You are right, you were hand picked to be his mother because you are the best one for the job.

Tom and Jane Schell said...

It's not fair to make me cry first thing in the morning! You are such a great Mom, Jen.

Amber P. said...

I love the way you write Jenni! My heart is always touched and I am moved by your ability to capture emotions and moments so beautifully! I'm so glad things are moving forward with Maddox. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys.

Tamsyn said...

Ho, Jen, my heart goes out to you! You and Mads are so strong!! I wish I was near to help you when needed because you know I would! We love you guys!!

Proudly designed by Mlekoshi playground