Sometimes I sit down at the computer & I think...I am going to spill my heart out here for my babies to see my testimony in the ups & downs. & then my fingers go to tap at the letters & I cannot. Since moving to our newest city I have felt the presence of a dam. It keeps my emotions from spilling over. Which is absolutely crazy because I am a crier. I cry when I am happy, I cry when something is funny, I cry when I am uncomfortable, I cry when I am sad, mad, hungry...I cry. Period. I cannot even try to put into words for my children, or even my husband how much I miss his warm feet at night, the smell of his soaps & the way the fresh scent wonders into our bedroom after he gets ready. I cannot even try to express how much I miss late night snack runs to the market for all things chocolate & brushing our teeth together. We say prayers together via phone, but I miss holding his hand as we kneel with heads bowed by our bedside. i miss the way he crawls into missed of the bed to warm it for me while I wash up for bed. Oh gosh I miss that! I miss that look he gives me when he sees an Anthropology bag in the trash. I miss watching him hold our babies & call them by their sweet pet names that make no sense to any of us but they do to him. "Diddle Bear" is a favorite.
I kept the t-shirt he slept in the night before he left set aside for the first few weeks. It smelled of his cologne & I would bury my face in its grey folds. The cologne has faded & the shirt was finally washed, & so I cannot help but think..its time to come home. Many of his belongings are coming home in the next few weeks because he won't be able to use them anymore. Its been hard imagining pieces of him arriving on our doorstep without him. We are still so far from his embrace in time & distance.
I am trying hard to find sunny spots in my day. I love riding my bike with kids singing "The wheels on the bus", or "No more monkeys jumping on the bed" behind me. I love watching the boys at dive learning & improving. I love sneaking up on our unsuspecting daughter while she plays house with her dolls. I love the snow on the mountains & the low dark clouds that gather in the mornings. I love our fireplace that invites us to sit by its flames.
I love the few hours alone with this sweet kissy lipped boy.
I want to remember what a comfort having a little one at home has been these last months. he keeps me moving & making. It helps that he look so much like his daddy too. He is a sunny spot in my life. I want to remember his love for blocks, books, puppies, heroes, turtles, forts, all things wheeled & Peanut butter & Jelly sandwich picnics & milk...lots of milk. He is my sunshine. (well one of them!)
Presley had a birthday party next door today. It was a butterfly tea party. It was pink & sparkly just like our sissy. Today was the first day she did not tell me she wanted to go back to Texas at bedtime. Our sweet neighbors really made today special for all the little girls who left as butterflies. We had to take pictures for Daddy because "Mommy, Daddy has to see his princess & her baby, Rosie." Okay Sis! Ill go get my camera! I still stare at her in awe that we got her...a little girl all our own.
Christmas was both extra special and kind-a emotional this year. The greatest blessing was having so many people working so hard to make sure we felt loved & even distracted. Brad & Kalen drove clear from Texas to be with us...2 little girlies in tow & even got stranded for 2 days in New Mexico on the way home due to a blizzard. Having the girls here made Christmas so special for us, especially Presley who very much loves her cousin Norah. & Having My sister in law who I genuinely consider one of my closest friends here to chit chat with was really fun! My parents, being the saintly people they are came to support & spoil! They really know how to make the holidays feel merry & bright! We did the whole Christmas alone thing one year because Mom & Dad were visiting Brad & Kalen (I do not look forward to splitting myself so many ways when the children are grown! what a challenge!) & It felt almost sad. I love to have family & friends near during the holiday season. We made forts under the ping pong table, had movie nights, wrapped presents together, & rode bikes. We played dolls & cars, decorated a gingerbread village, sat by the fire, sang jingle bells, had sleepovers & ate moms yummy buttery thumbprint cookies. Us moms went to a spa down in the city, The Dads took the boys to Star Wars. We ate our weight in "Christmas brownies", went to the park to sing & slide, we had the children act out the nativity & Dad read to all the grandchildren "Twas the night before Christmas." Christmas Morning Rod was there with us, & the kids showed him their prized presents. I imagine it was hard for him. But he smiled & was there in the way he could be. We packed a lot in but I didn't feel rushed this year. I felt very much like I had help & I could slow down a while & sit. My Dad & Brother assembled a handful of bikes, ride-ons, doll cribs, strollers... It was such a relief to have them. My Mom took over my laundry duties & she dopes overtime she visits. I cannot put into words how much this helps me. The love & service she renders is such a good example to me! I had a melt down. I did. It just was a rough moment where the kids wouldn't smile for a picture for Rod. I completely broke down & lost it. My eyes burned for 2 days, but we move on. My parents & brother & sister let me have my moment & dismissed it without judgement. I recognize how much people sacrificed this year for us. Whether it be long long long drives, rest, time...I see it, & mostly I feel it! This Christmas will be remembered as a favorite. because of all the love we were given.