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Thursday, March 08, 2012

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I know...another Presley post. She is heavy on my heart as of late. As a woman I find myself often swirling around and around in self doubt, even, although embarrassing to admit...self hate. I tend to keep those inner workings just that, inner. But after a long night of a heavy heart I awoke with the thought of my beautiful daughter. She walks tall now, she knows she is charming & always the first to gather attention from strangers & friends alike. She knows she can make us laugh, & is equally aware that she can help make my day brighter by laying her cheek in my lap, with her dark eyes wide, & a half smile hiding behind her chooch. She knows she is a treasure. Playing barbies with my friend Becky when I was five I always wanted to be the prettiest princess, the smartest teacher or doctor, the best ice cream scooper at barbie's ice cream parlor. I believed in myself, just as my Presley does now & will for years to come. But I know someday someone will plant a seed, a hateful word, some strong criticism. Maybe it will be the girl next to her in english class, or maybe it will be the advisory. As I know that the Lord lives, i also know that satan seeks to destroy by all means those who follow christ. I know how the advisory attempts to destroy me, and many woman today. Self loathing is his tool. We don't feel pretty, smart, important, we feel like we could be thinner, or contribute more, be more...always more. Do more housework, do more things with the children, read our scriptures more, help others more. & this is where I get swept away & often pulled under. I find myself sinking in the thoughts that I am not of great worth as the Scriptures testify that We all are. I want to protect Presley from these ugly feelings. I desire to make her know that a number on a scale or the murmurings of an unhappy person do not & never will determine who she is. I think its so easy for mothers to want their daughters & sons too to have confidence & strength, but we forget to seek after those things for ourselves. I want to be a strength so that when my dark eyed beauty looks to me she can see confidence & kindness & in turn feel she can be that too. I am confident we all wish to be this for our children.


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5 comments:

Mauri said...

Jenni. Your post touched my heart.I have been having those same feelings lately. You are so much more eloquent in your words than I would be at describing those emotions. You are one of the strongest women I know, and have no doubt that as Presley grows into a young woman that she will learn from your example as well as all the things that you have taught her. The Lord is behind mother's 110% in wanting us to succeed in the raising of our {as well as His} children. As we look to Him for guidance the help well come. At least that is what I pray for. Fear keeps up from achieving great things. I need to tell that to myself probably more than I need to tell it to you. "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid"
And know you've got a friend in Utah {probably more than one} cheering for you.

allegra said...

Jenni, your post made me tear up! Only a daughter will bring out those emotions and your words are ever so true. I loved this whole post. I think those thoughts often too. I always feel pressure to be a good role model and woman for Ruby...sometimes I feel like a failure... But you're right, it's Satan trying to put us down. Stand tall... You are such a great mom and He's behind us all the way. This mothering business is tough sometimes! Not only that, but add church callings, wife roles, housework, the need to do this or that, etc... Sometimes it's overwhelming and esp I think women put too much pressure on themselves too often. What matters most is raising good strong kids in the Gospel who are smart contributing members of society and you're doing exactly that. Hugs.

Holly said...

Jenni, Thank you for this post. To know that an amazing woman like yourself can have such doubts is reassuring that my own insecurities are not an isolated event. I worry all the time about not being a good enough mom, or that I'm not contributing. Your testimony of heavenly father's love for all of us is truly beautiful. Miss Presley and her brothers are so lucky to have you for a mother. You are beautiful, talented,creative,loving,and one of the most amazing women I know. Just remember the next time you look at Presley and remark how pretty she is remember that there are others in the world that think the same way about you!

Kim-the-girl said...

Oh Jenni, why don't we hang out more?!?? I have spent the past week in tears nearly everyday feeling the self-loathing (ironically enough I recognize it comes from Satan and then beat myself up even more for "letting" him have that effect on me!). ANYWAY, I'm certain your words here are inspired to help me (and these other women as well). Thank you for being in tune with the spirit and willing to share your feelings and testimony. We must get together before we move this great big ol' state!

Tamsyn said...

Jenni you are amazing!!! We have been focusing on this a lot in Relief Society and just had our RS birthday celebration on how to be an 8 cow woman and realize the beauty and worth within ourselves. Anytime you need a pick me up , give me a call because I know and see your worth!! Where would I be without my Jenni??

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