My appointment ended & we hurried down to the radiology department to make our ultrasound appointment. I was excited to have been given an appointment. I was feeling disconnected from this baby. I could feel the flutters, but was still wavering between feelings of worry & feelings of excitement. We had been sitting the fence about adding another to our family. We loved the dynamic of 3 boys & our littlest being a girl. We talked about how it would be when the boys went to college leaving just Presley home to be spoiled loved on. But baby 5 often came up in conversation. We had always thought 5 was our magic number. We could easily fit 5 in a car, we could easily fit 5 in our home & we were certain we could fit 5 in our hearts. But with Maddox struggling & thus momma struggling we had put adding a 5th off. no more were the days where the babies were 17 months apart. Ultimitaly the decision was made for us. I cried, happy cries, scared cries. Could I possibly take care of another sweet babe & help Maddox through his tough spots? How would it be to tote around a newborn to Maddox appointments, to the boy's sports, school activities? I felt overwhelmed. This is why I was eager to see this baby. I wanted to feel a connection to see that this baby's heart was beating inside of me. I needed that moment. & I needed it now.
When we reached the radiology department it was quiet & no one was flipping through magazines waiting, the news was turned off. It being Rod's place of work we wandered around & looked for a tech or physician or anyone. in the end the tech said she could not do the ultrasound. It was too late in the day.
I turned as she explained this to Rod & started to cry. I needed to see this baby today. to feel calm & know that I can be a mother of 5.
Rod came to my side, took my hand & said "lets go. i have an idea." we walked the hospital until we reached a door, that from the outside looked like a custodian's closet.
He slipped into a room while I waited in the hallway where other patients passed. I tried to fix my mascara. When he appeared again he motioned me happily into a room with 2 other physicians & foreign equipment. he showed me to a little exam room in the back & pulled the curtain. I laid down & my husband prepped for our first ultrasound of this baby. we laughed at ourselves as he put that cold gel on my stomach. We saw his little head, heart, limbs. & in that moment it was all okay. I knew I was going to love this little one & that I could & would be able to meet the needs of each of our children.
Those 15 minutes were some of the more intimate moments Rod & I have shared.
just he, & me & our new baby fluttering in black & white on the monitor.
our hearts were full.
There was something very magical about sharing that moment privately. alone. just us.
I started to look forward to those night time snuggles, those baby coos, those little skinny Sclater legs that all our babes had. I pictured the moment we would meet.
we left the hospital walking a bit faster, wearing smiles, talking of our new baby, sleeping arrangements for the kids-who should share, what we would need (we had given away all our baby things), & ran some baby names by each other. (Mine being more serious than Rod's hilarious suggestions. )
I have been sitting on this story for 10 weeks now.
I feel such a gratitude for my husband for giving me that moment when I needed it so badly.
If I asked for moon he would do all he could to give it to me.
He is that kind of husband.
I am thankful that he chose me & this life we live.
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& now the names that have been sitting on my desk top for 23 weeks....
Lets see if we can pick a name for darling baby boy before we are being booted from the hospital this time....
we are thrilled!
6 comments:
I still like Tre's suggestion of Levi!!! And if it's a girl, I suggest Jane. I remember sitting in your parent's kitchen in NC and you telling me how you loved that name... the simple, plain, beautiful name that it was. I, personally, love Penelope, but just said to Brad that we could never name another girl that because it's too close to Prestley!
So, I thought it was a boy?!? What are the odds of it being another girl??
Well we know he is a he...so girl names are out. :)
Well we know he is a he...so girl names are out. :)
That is such a sweet story!!! Your hubby is so silly to make you sit on it for so long without sharing! But I'm glad we're finally in on the good news! Another Sclater missionary, woohoo!! We have Finn on our short list for now... kind of fitting as the final baby for this fam. So, obviously I really like that name. :) But you have some great suggestions. We really need to put some of our ideas on paper soon. :) Fun to be going through it all again at the same time. :) Good luck!
congratulations to you guys!!.....so exciting. you are just adding to my baby fever :) charlie and i like crew and smith (of course), can't wait to hear!!
I really like Taggard. Never heard that name before, but it really seems catchy, especially as Tag or Tags for short. Cool name list. It restored my faith that there are some cool boy names out there if I ever need to pick another. :)
And I am amazed that a skinny mini like you was able to hide a belly for 1/2 of your pregnancy! Or did people you see everyday know, but not the blogosphere?
I'm so excited for you. Like dorky super excited. I would love to see how you live for just a day with 4 kids and another on the way. I bet you are so organized in life! I could learn a thing or two!
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