{best shot}

I just heard a huge thump upstairs. I am listening. My desk chair is situated just below Maddox's bed.  He isn't fussing, I can hear his feet & bed frame creaking. I imagine he is in twilight, that magic place where wake meets sleep as he slides back between the sheets to return to his dreamy slumber. I think what it would be like to dream worry free like a child again. I worry about these 5 little people that have been entrusted in my care, in my arms, in my heart. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt when they go to bed with dirty feet from outside play. ridiculous things like that can seem so much bigger after dark when I contemplate their paths in life. Where will those feet take them? I know where I would like them to go. & that leads to endless lists of things I should do better tomorrow. I should read an extra book, sing an extra song, give an extra kiss, not forget to brush their teeth after pancakes or wash their feet at bedtime. I am a mom in the making. 10 years & I still wake every morning wondering how I am going to make the day work, but not just work, be warm & wonderful, & every night I find myself asking how it all worked out for another day. They are so patient with me. So forgiving of my mistakes. I can feel like the worst of the bad mothers & Britt will crawl up beside me snuggle into me & with that nasally voice of his say "Mommy your the best Mom ever. I'm so glad you are mine. & you cook good food too." that nasally voice that talks in circles just grabs at my heart. I'm not perfect, but I'm giving it my best shot.