{Sunny Spots}

Sometimes I sit down at the computer & I think...I am going to spill my heart out here for my babies to see my testimony in the ups & downs. & then my fingers go to tap at the letters & I cannot. Since moving to our newest city I have felt the presence of a dam. It keeps my emotions from spilling over. Which is absolutely crazy because I am a crier. I cry when I am happy, I cry when something is funny, I cry when I am uncomfortable, I cry when I am sad, mad, hungry...I cry. Period. I cannot even try to put into words for my children, or even my husband how much I miss his warm feet at night, the smell of his soaps & the way the fresh scent wonders into our bedroom after he gets ready. I cannot even try to express how much I miss late night snack runs to the market for all things chocolate & brushing our teeth together. We say prayers together via phone, but I miss holding  his hand as we kneel with heads bowed by our bedside. i miss the way he crawls into missed of the bed to warm it for me while I wash up for bed. Oh gosh I miss that! I miss that look he gives me when he sees an Anthropology bag in the trash. I miss watching him hold our babies & call them by their sweet pet names that make no sense to any of us but they do to him. "Diddle Bear" is a favorite. 

I kept the t-shirt he slept in the night before he left set aside for the first few weeks. It smelled of his cologne & I would bury my face in its grey folds. The cologne has faded & the shirt was finally washed, & so I cannot help but think..its time to come home.  Many of his belongings are coming home in the next few weeks because he won't be able to use them anymore. Its been hard imagining pieces of him arriving on our doorstep without him. We are still so far from his embrace in time & distance. 

I am trying hard to find sunny spots in my day. I love riding my bike with kids singing "The wheels on the bus", or "No more monkeys jumping on the bed" behind me. I love watching the boys at dive learning & improving. I love sneaking up on our unsuspecting daughter while she plays house with her dolls. I love the snow on the mountains & the low dark clouds that gather in the mornings. I love our fireplace that invites us to sit by its flames. 

I love the few hours alone with this sweet kissy lipped boy. 

I want  to remember what a comfort having a little one at home has been these last months. he keeps me moving & making.  It helps that he look so much like his daddy too. He is a sunny spot in my life. I want to remember his love for blocks, books, puppies, heroes, turtles, forts, all things wheeled & Peanut butter & Jelly sandwich picnics & milk...lots of milk. He is my sunshine. (well one of them!)